I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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