i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
