What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
