very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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