im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
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