So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
me + whiskey = a bad person
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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