I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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