I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
