So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
