Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
