I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
