My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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