no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
