ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
