i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
