why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
