all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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