Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
