just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
