he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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