Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
