Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You're like the curious george of whores
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I did not marry a roomba.
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