It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
