Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
