How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
