I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You dont lie about slip and slides
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
