I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Randomize
