It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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