I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
whose parrot is this?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
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