Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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