Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Randomize
