You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I think I am morally bankrupt
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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