Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im holly from the hills drunk
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
