i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Everyone says I win the strip club
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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