I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
