Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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