I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
