Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Oh god it's open bar.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
