apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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