I'm jealous of your bromance
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
