My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
