The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
