you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
why do cheetos always look like penises
two words: eviction party
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
