im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
