Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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