i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
