Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
