Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
