mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
