The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
